Love is a Battlefield (and Why That’s Not a Bad Thing)

Early in my career, I was taught something that I've spent years unlearning—and then relearning in a much healthier way.

"You can't be friends with the people you manage. And if you are, you'll never be able to hold them accountable."

If you've ever worked in leadership, you've probably heard some version of this. The message is usually wrapped in concern, but underneath it is fear: If I care too much, I'll lose authority. If I hold people accountable, I'll lose the relationship.

For years, I believed I had to choose.

The Jewelry Store Test

My first real test of this belief came when I became the store manager of a jewelry store early in my career. Jewelry retail is not for the faint of heart. It's high-stakes, high-pressure, deeply competitive, and intensely results-driven. Sales expectations were clear. Excellence wasn't optional.

And yet—I desperately wanted to build a team culture rooted in trust, connection, and care.

What I learned from an incredible mentor during that season changed the trajectory of my leadership forever. She introduced me to the art of tough love.

Not cold leadership.
Not soft leadership.
But leadership rooted in care, clarity, and courage.

The deal was simple and uncompromising: We would hold one another to an exceptionally high standard of excellence—and we would do it because we cared. Because our team benefited from us all showing up at our best, every day.

There was love in our expectations.
There was love in our coaching.
And yes—there was love even in our accountability.

The Truth About Accountability

Here's what I learned early and still believe with my whole heart: No one comes to work hoping to fail.

When someone struggled on our team, we didn't ignore it or tiptoe around it. We addressed it—quickly, clearly, and with kindness. We coached. We supported. We explored every possible path to success.

And when it became clear that the role wasn't the right fit, we didn't let people suffer in silence or stress themselves into burnout. This is where understanding a person's unique strengths becomes critical.

Some managers believe that with enough willpower and determination, any employee can achieve anything. For them, every case of poor performance is the employee's fault—they're simply not trying hard enough.

But when you lead from a strengths-based perspective, you understand that a person's innate talents are enduring. If you've given coaching, support, and the right training, and someone is still underperforming, a likely explanation is that their talents simply aren't a good match for the role.

It's not them. It's their talents.

That reframe removes the shame and blame, allowing the employee to walk away with dignity and, hopefully, more self-awareness.

That's where the tough part of tough love showed up.

If someone couldn't succeed in that role, we helped them find a place where they could. Sometimes that meant helping them transition out—with dignity, honesty, and often a heartfelt letter of recommendation.

On the surface, that can sound harsh. In practice, it was one of the most loving things we could do.

And years later? I'm still close with people I once had to let go.

Why?

Because they weren't blindsided.
Because we were transparent.
Because accountability never came as a surprise.

What Gallup Taught Me (Again)

This lesson has stayed with me through every leadership role I've held—and it's echoed powerfully in my work today as a certified Engagement Champion and in my return to Gallup's foundational book, First, Break All the Rules.

Gallup's research reminds us that strong relationships at work don't weaken accountability—they strengthen it. When people feel cared for, seen, and supported, they rise to the occasion. They hold themselves to higher standards. And when hard conversations need to happen, trust makes them possible.

Love Is Brave

Which brings me back to February—and love.

We often think of love as soft, gentle, or sentimental. But real love—the kind that sustains people and cultures—is brave. It tells the truth. It moves quickly when something isn't working. It refuses to let people stay stuck in roles that drain them. Real love sees people for who they are and encourages them to be their best selves.

Love at work doesn't mean avoiding hard conversations.
It means having them with humanity.

And maybe that's what our workplaces need now more than ever:

Less avoidance.
More courage.
And leadership that's deeply rooted in care.

Because love is a battlefield—but when it's grounded in trust and clarity, it's one worth fighting for.

Want to build a culture where accountability and care go hand in hand? Let's talk about how the Gallup Q12 can help you understand what your team really needs. Contact me at Sarah@AspenRootCollective.com to set up a time to dig deeper.

In growth & gratitude- Sarah